18 May, 2008 . 12:54 AM

The exams are done and over. It has been a really trying period.

Firstly, the examination requirement changed suddenly for The Novel module.

Then that thing had to happen. And it happened at a very bad timing. I do not mean that the blame be placed on her. I only wished it had never happened.

So instead of happiness, all I felt was relief when the invigilator said that we were free to go. Even as what seemed like an immense weight on my shoulders had been lifted, my heart still had this gaping hole, bleeding life, bleeding love.

The afternoon of Friday was spent at the centre, preparing for the coming days, weeks and months where I hope I can find some other meaning to this life of mine. Some distraction. Some way to pick up myself up. Some way to patch this deepest cut of all.

I do not think I have ever given so much before, never put so much effort and energy of my own choosing before. Because I believed in it. Now belief is but a whisper in the wind.

Deciding to give myself some therapy, I headed down to Orchard with Pang. In addition to a couple of tees, I bought GTA IV, a distraction would probably come in really handy. Normally when I'm out and about town, I would readily spend on snacks and drink but now, they do not seem that much appealing anyway. Food, now is a sustenance, not a form of enjoyment.

We headed to Tangs as well. Even when I only lingered at the third level, seeing the escalator leading to the toys department brought back memories..memories that though are fond, but only served to add on to the heartache deep inside. For there was I bought the V Day present...sigh..enough, enough.

I should smile. How can I tell another to do so when I am unable to.

Smile, Bryan.

Try.

14 May, 2008 . 11:45 PM

Today's the 14th. Can be said to be the the third month I've got to know her. After all, things really got a kick off on the 14th..of Feb.

Can I say I'm...

=/

13 May, 2008 . 1:06 AM

Time. Time. Time.

Me.

Us.

08 May, 2008 . 2:15 PM

I was at the dashboard when I realised that the previous post was the 100th post. What a way to mark a landmark. What a sad,sad way.

A lot of emotions and thoughts have been running through my mind. Examinations which will begin next week only adds on to the stress. There is this headache that comes and goes without warning or respite.

There is still a part of me which is still reluctant to let go..even if I have to. I have not felt so happy for such a long time. Especially with all the negativity I had inside before this current broken "relationship". Now, it's all coming back to me again. Not the negativity but all the sadness, sense of loss, regret, the shattering of my dreams and hopes with her.

Come June when I start full time at the tuition centre, I had harboured thoughts of maybe she will come down to the centre to keep me company on days when school ends early and when I will be alone. Maybe when she was free, and on the day when I won't be working, we could make a trip to the airport. I have two tickets to The Singapore Flyer. Guess I will not be needing them anymore. All of these dreams will not be a reality now

When I heard that she wanted to visit Taiwan next year when she grads, I started saving just so that I could bring her there. Then she mentioned that place in Japan, then I thought I better save even more more, work even harder. Now it has all come to nought.

And there are so many other things or events I thought we could share or do together. Eventually, it is nothing but a dream. How silly of me..to deam so far ahead..so far ahead. Now I come crashing down so fast, so hard. Shattered hopes, crushed dreams. Little fragments that scatters and lost in the wind.

Reality is so different to what I had imagined. It has been so harsh, so cruel. I ask why, I cannot find an answer. None will suffice anyway.

The recovery process has been so hard to take. I've cleared out most things which bore links to the past. Most of the poems are now gone, except for those written on Saturday and Sunday. One remains, one that was written during the sweetest moments on a blue note to her, and it stand out the most, the one with all the promises to her, which I now cannot keep. Also, all the little scraps of notes/letter drafts in my notepad bearing her name are gone, save for the penultimate draft of that final letter.Receipts of the dinner at Rakuzen and Azabu Sabo are gone. Going back to these places will be so difficult. I've changed the message tones of my handphone, so that each times it rings, I won't be reminded of the past when I hoped or thought its her. With much anguish and pain, the wallpaper of my ipod is now changed, I no longer can see her smiling face.

Somethings still remain, I just cannot have the heart. The receipt of our first date still remains. I don't think I will go back to The Mint Cafe again. The panda pen is now stored somewhere, treasured and not forsaken. The mickey diary contains the most intense periods. And it will continue this way. This is how special she is...was.

What will be, will be.

it was five in the morning when i woke with a start,
i thought i heard a familar sound,
a sound that has brought me great hope and joy.
as it represented that you had replied,
to my care and love.
the sound echoed through my mind and heart,
but the room remained dark.
nothing but a dream,
nothing but an explosion of my feelings for you.

the first time i held your hand,
was the last.
the place where it all began,
that square room, the box of joy and memories,
just memories, that box of emptiness.

i do not know why, do not know how.
i now wake at six every morning,
the time when you wake to go to school.
each time, the room is dark and cold.
the windows were wet.
a new sun peeks over the horizon.

Labels: goodbye

07 May, 2008 . 1:23 AM

As much as I want to run away, reality always catches up.

It's over.

I will be lying if I said I am fine. Such things takes time to heal.

I just feel so empty.

But it will be okay. I hope it will be. I know it will be.

No matter what, you will always have a special place in my heart. I'm glad we had a closure. That we will still be there for each other, just without any hope nor agenda.

What will be, will be.

Now, for me, it's time to move on. But before, I shall allow myself one last moment of sappiness.

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
So long, my luckless romance
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
Goodbye, my almost lover


Enough now...enough now..

Labels: goodbye

05 May, 2008 . 11:36 PM

Despite all that has happened, I still love her.

In fact, I have never stopped loving her. It may have wavered, it has never once diminished.

Now, I love her even more.

Why can't she understand?

Labels: goodbye

04 May, 2008 . 8:36 AM

It feels as if my world has come crashing down on me.

Labels: goodbye