so i went out with the fellas tonight for a thai dinner. while it wasn' the greatest thai food ever, it was still a rather cheap dinner, only $28.50 for five dishes - 1 meat, 1 veg, 1 egg, 1 calamari and 1 pad thai.

throughout the night i was feeling broken, or rather, in my own self-denial, in a rut or rutting, thinking and overthinking and ending up moody and really bithcy.

and when i got home, i told my mom,"hey, let's go for the melbourne trip." but when she said that dad's company has just retrenched another worker after like 5 last week(it being a small company), and that we won't be going in order to save for potential rainy days, i realise that actually my problems are actually not as big as i make them out to be. of course matters of the heart are always dear but sometimes, things can't always be solved.

my biggest problem is that i think too much and attempt to find solutions to all problems, when actually letting go, breathing easy about problems which i have no control is the better way.

it's taken me so long, so much heartache, so much tears, fears and worries to realise.

so when the sun comes up, i wanna be smiling, smiling like i mean it. even better, smiling with you.

i endured my worst ever birthday.

i was fine with going to work on a birthday. heck, it's been a norm since i started working in an office even during my ns period. anyway, cue all the normal sms greetings and stuffs, appreciate them greatly.

however, the really sore point about this birthday is that the person and people whom i had really wished to spend it with didn't celebrate it with me. ok, the celebration thing might be abit petty and i'm not one for the all brashness of birthday celebrations. however, the one single person whom i had hoped to at least turn up didn't. or even just see did not materialise. why did i still hope when hope clearly lets me down? i was plainly devastated that night.

i'm not angry. just merely sad and empty.

she apologised the next day for not celebrating with me after i had called her about something else. if it made her feel better or whatever, then ok. i'd rather things actually happened. the belated birthday card was well..really sweet but it cannot take away all the lousiness i feel inside of me.

what's the point of making a birthday wish when it plainly does not happen?

happy birthday?

so today marks the 24th year of my life thus far. the 23rd has been eventful, so for the 24th, i hope it would better.

24 seems so surreal. its like an age when one is expected to have a decent career, have some stability in life. yet i feel like a kid, somehow i don't want to grow up. reality forces one to do so anyway, anyhow.

so my colleagues and the sec 4 kids threw a small surprise for me after class. it was really swell of them to do so. i only expected a good night for texas and blackjack, so the cake and surprise was well, pretty enjoyable. thanks people, if you ever read this.

pang and stan, the 2 ever present lights of my life marked my birthday a day earlier on the 10th. dinner at asian kitchen with the delightful crispy duck. coffee and desserts later at tcc. really awesome agnes b wallet. edward joined us too for the night. much love to you guys, much love indeed.

so when the clock struck 12 midnight and made me 1 year older tonight, the first congrats sms came in from non other than her. bittersweet. yeah, leave it at bittersweet. at least the one which would matter the most came in.

so even though today its my birthday today, i guess it would be like any other normal day. work. teaching kids. marking assignments. but i will try not to scold them today. plugging into my ipod. getting that bowl of mee suah later on. walking down that alley of ang mo kio to the bus stop. will probably go someplace alone after work. sometimes, it just works out this way.

do birthday wishes actually come true? i made one last year..and i made the same this year. how i would love for it to come true, if only to taste less bittersweetness.

happy birthday to me.

its a sad fact of life. people in our lives, they come and go. enter and exit. some with a hug and wave.others with a smile. the rest gone like whispers in the night. people in my life, are no different. what makes it worse is that they are the ones i care most for. they just drift away.

i'm only human. give me the assurance, care and concern like you give to the rest. is that so difficult?

how is it that i still smile when my heart aches every moment?

i never was a pessimist. but i guess this week would be really shitty. just let it be over quickly. the silence makes me so sad.

• Bryan

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